The Odyssey: As told by Hawk
by Hawk the Falcon
Summary: What would have happened if I would have written the Odyssey? This is it. It's just my little parody of The Odyssey that I wrote for English. Rated T just in case. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

This is my first story on here ever, so go a little easy on me. I am starting with the cyclopes part. :)

I do not own the Odyssey... as much as I would love to. Homer does...

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Odysseus and his crew came to an island. "Hey look," one of his men said, "a big house. I bet midgets live there."

"No way! Really?" asked another. "You mean gnomes, don't you ? They eat people."

"Awesome!"

"Yeah!"

"Why don't we go there and see if he is right?" suggested Odysseus.

His crew cheered like little girls with too much sugar.

They sat inside the huge home and made bets on what type of gnome lived there.

Just as they had started eating food from the mucho grande kitchen, a giant entered. He had only one eye in the middle of his head that blinked then glared at them.

The giant picked up two of his men and ate them.

"Holy crap!" screamed Odysseus.

"Where?"

Odysseus threw a spear at the giant, but it hit the man standing behind him instead. The giant laughed and shut the ponderous door. (Yes, the door thought a lot. What else was a door to do?)

"You are mine and I will eat you!"

Odysseus threw a spear at the door , but it hit the giant in the eye instead.

"The door is still shut." muttered one of the rowers.

"I am still alive, you mortal scum!" bellowed the giant. He made his way towards where he had heard Odysseus and co. talking. But he fell on the door and knocked it over. The men flooded out of his house.

"Ha-ha! We are free!" Odysseus and his crew cheered.

The blinded giant yelled threats at the hero on his boat.

Odysseus had enough of this. "I Odysseus, son of Laertes, bringer of pain to evil giant peoples, lord of the lollipops, social security number 00012H035, who lives at 105 Rocky Lane, Ithica, hasith owned you."

The giant would have stared at the egotistical idiot, except he was blind. "Well you know what? My dad is Posiedon, so you're screwed."

Odysseus beat his head on the mast of his ship as the giant spoke to the god of the sea.

"Wait a minute.." said one of his rowers. "_You _are the lord of the lollipops?"

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I hoped you liked it! Please review. Thanks. :)


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah.. I know that Nestor is way out of character. I just pictured him as an old man so that is what he is. Why, you ask, must I say Telemakhos so many different ways? Have you ever had a conversation with someone who has just read The Odyssey? Everyone says his name differently. So I make fun of that. :)

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"When I was your age," said Nestor to Telemakhos, "I walked ten miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways." The old man rocked back and forth in his wooden rocking chair while Telemakhos sat on the ground. "So… Tele.. um.."

"It's Telemakhos, sir."

"Shut up, Telemaloohaha! I knew that!" shouted Nestor.

Telemakhos pouted at the fact his name was said wrong _again_.

"Now.. Where was I?"

"Where is my daddy?"

"Oh yes… Odysseus was a good man. He always helped the little animals, especially bunnies. One day he designed a horse. This horse was made of wood. But not any old wood. Good wood. Sturdy wood. _Trojan_ wood."

"Sir." said Telemakhos.

"What?" Nestor looked startled.

"I asked about my daddy, not wood."

"Oh yeah.. We jumped out of the horse and killed the stupid Trojans. Unfortunately, Odysseus was given the job of killing Paris. Don't ever give him a job like that. He ran off towards France. We had to tie him down, the crazy Ithacan. Anyway, for some reason he and his men left without praying. I mean, he had enough time in all."

Telemakhos blinked a few times. "Why didn't he?"

"I think he was trigger happy and went after some Frenchies or something."

There was some awkward silence for a while. You could only hear the squeaking of Nester's chair as he rocked.

"Then?" asked Telemakhos.

"Then they sailed off into the sunset the end. " he said, all in one breath.

"Where is my daddy now?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Nester snapped. "Go talk to Menelaos. He knows stuff."

Telemakhos nodded and headed for the stables.

"Wait!" said Nestor. He stood up and shoved a man with a bunch of gold a Telemakhos. "Take one of my sons and all of this gold so that I don't suffer in Hades."

The son of Odysseus got help from a servant loading the gold (and son) onto a carriage.

Nestor ran to catch Telemakhos before he left. "It's a long journey." he said. "You'll need food." He handed the clear-headed Telemakhos a paper bag. "So long Telephone!"


End file.
